Hot ‘n Funny Jokes & Videos

Tech Support: “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer: “Ok.”
Tech Support: “Did you get a pop-up menu?”Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?”
Customer: “No.”
Tech Support: “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?”
Customer: “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote click’.”

Things to do While Downloading A File On Your Computer:

? Buff your mouse pad?
? Make a list of things to download?
? Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem?
? Count to 500 in “click” language?
? Go outside and actually breathe fresh air (don’t overdo!)?
? Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter

New customer to Tech Support: ?It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens’.
Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?
Customer: ‘Tried but nothing?
Tech Support: ?What key did you hit?
After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It’s because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional.
It just has ‘4X’ on it. ?At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because
he couldn’t stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM
drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

The Yankees have a monopoly game.
The Mets have a monopoly game.
Microsoft has a monopoly, no game but a lesson for us all.

Q: What is a programmer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn?t know you had in a way
You do not understand.

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin’ the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin’ the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin’ home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain’t in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it’s cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it’s black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What’s in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That’s hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer “c’mon in, y’all”
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can’t ‘member what ya paid fer the rifle

Customer Service Rep: Can you install LOVE?

Customer: I can do that. I’m not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?

Customer Service Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma’am?

Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Customer Service Rep: What programs are running ma’am?

Customer: Let me see…. I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.

Customer Service Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma’am?

Customer: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Customer Service Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I’m done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Customer Service Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Customer Service Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops…I have an error message already. What should I do?

Customer Service Rep: What does the message say?

Customer: It says “ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS”. What does that mean?

Customer Service Rep: Don’t worry ma’am, that’s a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to “LOVE” your own machine before it can “LOVE? others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Customer Service Rep: Can you find the directory called “SELF-ACCEPTANCE”?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Customer Service Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Customer Service Rep: You’re welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the “MYHEART” directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART!

Customer Service Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go…

Customer: Yes?

Customer Service Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you.

Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.

How can you tell if you have been spending too much time at home on the Internet?

Your spouse emails you a message saying dinner is ready and she/he uses the address
“Your spouse@home.com.”

The best part about computers is that they make very fast, specific mistakes.

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