Hot ‘n Funny Jokes & Videos

Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that’s the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, “Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?”
Joe says, “Yes I did.”
“Well,” says the police officer, “it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it’s all because you sliced the ball.”
“Oh my goodness,” says Joe, “is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is,” the cop says.
“Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit.”

Police officer: I’m sorry sir, but you will have to come with me.
Driver: Why?
Police officer: You were driving at 120 miles per hour!
Driver: But I have only been in my car for 15 minutes!

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,?
“Is there a problem, Officer?”?
“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”?
The driver thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.” The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him - he’s a smart butt when he’s drunk and stoned.” The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”?
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas.
One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began:
“911, what is your emergency?”
“Osifer, I’ve been robbed!”
“Can you be more specific sir?”
“Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal.”
“Could you please repeat that sir?” By now there’s a crowd gathering around the dispatcher’s chair.
“Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel.”
“Sir, what is your location?”
“I’m in my car.”
“Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?”
“Yes, shur. I’m on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!”
“Alright, sir, we’ll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm.”
The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in.
“911, what is your emergency?”
“Osifer?”
“Yes, what is your emergency please?”
“Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal.”
“Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?”
“No, shur, I was just in the back seat.”

A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman. He asked, “Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding.” The police replied, “Have you ever been fishing?” The man then said, “yes”. “Have you ever caught all the fish?” asked the policeman

#6833
   

?A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”
?He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”
?The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him - he’s a smartass when he’s drunk and stoned.”
?The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”
?At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said “Are they in your house?” He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. “I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!” Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, “I thought you said you had shot them all!” The man answered, “I thought you said there were no police available!”

#4430
   

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
?What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
?I use them in my juggling act,? says the juggler.
?Oh yeah?? ?Let?s see you do it.? Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, ?Wow, am I glad I stopped
Drinking. Look at the test they?re making you do now!?

A cop pulls a young guy over:
“Hello officer” said the smart aleck kid.
“Young man did you see that stop sign?” asked the cop.
Yup, but I didn’t see you!

Quick Wit:?
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.?
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain,”.?
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”?
“But officer, I just wanted to say….”?
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”?
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”?
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”?