Hot ‘n Funny Jokes & Videos

Uncle Sam and Osama decided to settle the whole war with a dogfight. They would each have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog and whoever’s dog won would dominate the world. Osama found the meanest Doberman females in the world and bred them with the meanest wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog ever. When the day came for the big dogfight, Uncle Sam showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama’s dog. Osama’s dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dog–but when it got close to the American dog, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and ate Osama’s dog whole. Osama said, ?We don’t understand how this could have happened, we had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest dogs and the meanest wolves. ?Uncle Sam said, ?That?s nothing, we had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog.”

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This Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can’t find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office and tells the desk officer his problem.
The officer’s a little puzzled. “Look, bud, I’m sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don’t handle missing animal reports.”
“Oh, I know that,” says the guy. “I just wanted you to know, if you find my parrot — I don’t know where he could have picked up all his political ideas.”

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

George Washington probably did not chop down his father’s cherry tree. George Washington probably did not admit it by saying, ?I cannot tell a lie!” But people often repeat this story because it shows Washington’s honesty. One day, Little Suzy once asked her mother, “Mom, do people who never tell lies go to heaven?” “Yes”, her mother answered, “they are the only ones.” “Gosh, I bet it gets lonesome up there with just God and George Washington!? replied Little Suzy.

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“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”
– J. Danforth Quayle
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
– J. Danforth Quayle
“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle
“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle
“Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water. One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal’s Restaurant. Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:
Par boiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50

They struggled in, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter “Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?”

“Are you kidding?” replied the waiter, “Did you ever try to clean one of those suckers?”

Christopher Columbus was the first ever-successful politician of the world because he didn?t know where he was going, he didn?t know where he was when he got there, and he did all of it only on borrowed money!

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Fidel Castro dies and goes up to heaven. He’s standing at Heavens gate and St. Peter tells him it was because of what he did to his people, so he will be going to hell. When Fidel gets to hell he tells Satan he left his bags in heaven and needs to go get them. Satan says
“I’ll get two of my demons to get them for you.” The demons are in Heaven and they both are wondering where his bags are. One of the demons looks over the gates and they both start climbing the gates and an angel sees them and says ” Great he’s already sending refugees over.”

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, “Do you pray for the senators?”
He quickly replied, “No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people.”

Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Texas Congressman Dick Armey when asked: “If you had been in President Clinton’s place, would you have resigned?”

Armey responded: “If I were in the President’s place, I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to Mrs. Armey saying, “How do I reload this damn thing?”