Hot ‘n Funny Jokes & Videos

Question: What do you get when you play a country and western record backwards?
Answer: You get your dog back, your car back and your wife loves you again!

A candidate for city council was doing some door-to-door campaigning, and things were going pretty well, he thought, till he came to the house of a grouchy-looking fellow. After the candidate?s little speech, the fellow said, ?Vote for you? Why I?d rather vote for the Devil!?
?I understand,? said the candidate, ?but in case your friend is not running, may I count on your support??

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards.
If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.” — Ronald Reagan

A selection of quotes from “I miss Dan Quayle”.
“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”
– J. Danforth Quayle
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
– J. Danforth Quayle
“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle
“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle
“Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.”
– Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs “give me your money,” he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, “you can’t do this ? I am a United States congressman!” “In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me MY money.”

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Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Billy

Top 10 signs your presidential candidate is under-qualified?
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.?
9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen’s character on “The West Wing.”?
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is “That Bob Vila guy.”?
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.?
6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.?
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, “The state or the DC thingie?”?
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, “You wanna wrestle?!?”?
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.?
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, “I win!”?
?.. and the Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified..?
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.?

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
“Ma!!!,” he shouted, “the results are in. I won the election!!!”
“Honestly?”, his mother replied.
The politician’s smiled faded. “Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?”

Q: How many Stalinists would it have taken to change a light bulb during the first 5 year plan?
A: None, for if the light bulb needed changing then comrade Stalin — the most wonderous man alive and the embodiment of all that we Marxist-Leninist-Stalinists hold dear and aspire to — would have foreseen the fact that the light bulb needed changing and so organized the 5 year plan to replace the light bulb before it needed changing from the vast stock of light bulbs which the plan had produced — stocks in excess of the amount originally planned, for the workers were inspired by their love of Stalin and the Socialist Motherland to work harder and produce more, using less!

Q. What is a conservative?
A. A conservative is an X-liberal that got mugged.