Hot ‘n Funny Jokes & Videos

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press-no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two novice truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11′3″. They got out and measured their rig, which was 12′4″ high…”What do you think?” one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. “Not a cop in sight. Let’s take a chance!”

#147
   

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!” “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are you calling from?”

….have you heard about the new Italian electric car?…..it’s just $2000.
But the extension cord is $12000.

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was known for being a poor housekeeper.?
When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. “Have these dishes ever been washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.?
She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.”?
He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, “Here, Soap! Here, Water!”?

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people’s carts when they don’t realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in house wares,” and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10.”
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M’s on layaway.
8. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”

A priest, a wizard, and an engineer are sentenced to be beheaded. The priest is first and is offered a final request, to which he asks to pray. After saying a few words, he steps up to the guillotine. The blade falls, and an inch above his neck, its stops. He yells wildly “My God has saved me”, and seeing this miracle, his captors release him. The wizard steps up, and he in turn asks to say a few words before his death. He says a few words in an unknown tongue, points at the guillotine, and then puts his head down to be lopped off. Again, an inch above his head the blade stops. He shouts wildly “my magic has saved me”, and he is released. The engineer is than lead up to the block and says, “For my last request, I would like to face up so I can see my death coming.” He is placed looking up and just before they release the blade he shouts “WAIT! I see what the problem is!”

#5063
   

I just started a new diet. You can drink all the fruit juice you want, you can eat all the vegetables you want, and you can drink all the wine you want.

So far, I’ve lost 13 lbs and one driver?s license!

A guy is passing a Mental Hospital surrounded by a wall and he hears the chanting inside, Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Curious to see what?s going on he finds a small hole in the wall, so he bends and peeks inside. Someone inside pokes him hard in the eye and everyone starts inside chanting, Fourteen! Fourtee! Fourteen!

#13220
   

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.