Hot ‘n Funny Jokes & Videos

An old lady walked into a newspaper office. She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper. The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, “Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M.” The employee looked at the form and said, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece. The woman took another form and wrote, “Earl died. ‘57 Chevy truck for sale.”
   

John who was not very well paid, yet who had several children learned a distressing piece of news from his wife Linda. The next morning he called his insurance agent to ask a weighty question, to which the insurance agent replied, ?No, John, Linda?s pregnancy is not covered by your accident policy.?

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A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, “What are those drums?” The guide turned to him and said, “Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop.”
Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,
“The Drums have stopped, what happens now?”
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:
“Bass Solo”

A college graduate applies for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he is given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man is alone, he steps into an empty hallway and opens the packet. Inside, a message reads: “You’re our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor.”

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A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, “Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call…. ‘Ted’s or Hale’s’.”

I was driving down the road when I saw this lady standing by her car. When I pulled over to see if I could help she turned around holding this rabbit. She explained that she had run over the rabbit and thought it was going to die. I so wanted to help her I went back to my car and came back with a can of spray. I sprayed some in the rabbits’ mouth and it twitched its’ head a little. I waited a little while and sprayed some more in its’ mouth and it twitched its head a couple of times. Not much later I sprayed more in its’ mouth and the rabbit sprang from her arms and ran to the fence by the field, stopped, turned around and waived its’ paw at us. We watched it run every 50 ft., stop, turn, and waive its’ paw at us. The lady looked at me in amazement and said, “WHAT WAS THAT YOU GAVE THAT RABBIT?” I replied, “Oh just a little hair rejuvenator with permanent waive.

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She said to the boutique manager:
“Do you mind if I try on that red dress in the window?”
He said: “Sure - can’t be bad for business!”

Do you know what happens to quarterbacks when they reach the ends of their lives?
They just pass away.

Dave went to his local lotto center to check his ticket. When the clerk checked his ticket Dave was told that he had won 5 million dollars. Dave went right home. When he saw his wife he said, I just won the lottery and I am going now to collect my winnings. I want you to be packed before I get back. His wife very excitedly ask, “What should I pack, warm or cold weather clothes? Dave looked at her and said “I don?t care as long as your are gone when I get home.”

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

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