Hot ‘n Funny Jokes & Videos

A husband comes home and sees his wife painting the livingroom, but she had her raincoat and her fur coat on. He asks her why she has her coats on? She replies, “I read the can, and it said for best results put on two coats.”

A newlywed is trying to console his little bride, who sprawled, dissolved in tears on the couch. ?Darling?? he implored, ?Believe me. I never said you were a terrible cook. I merely pointed out that our garbage disposal has developed an ulcer.?

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Phil: Have you ever suspected your wife of leading a double life?
Ralph: You bet. Hers and mine!

There was a rich man who was approached by a poor beggar asking for food.
The rich man asked, “Do you smoke? I could give you some cigarettes.”
The beggar responded, “No, I don’t. I am just hungry and want food.”
Then the rich man asked, “Do you drink? I have a bottle of good whiskey I could give you.”
The beggar replied, “No, I don’t drink. I am just hungry and need food.”
Finally the rich man asked, “Do you gamble? I could give you some good tips on the races this weekend.”
The beggar again replied, “No. I am just hungry and want some food.”
Finally the rich man said, “Well, in that case, I had better take you to my home.”
He invited the beggar into his car and drove him to his very substantial home. There, he introduced the beggar to his wife, who asked, “What are you going to do with this man? Are you going to invite him to live with us, eat our food, and wear our clothes?”
The man replied, “No, of course not. I just wanted to show you what happens to a man who doesn’t smoke, drink or gamble.”

A little boy says to his mother, “Mom, I’ll be good for a dollar” The mother replies, “I shouldn’t have to pay you to be good, you should be good all the time”
The little boy says, “OK Mom, I’ll be good for 50 cents.” The mother says, “I shouldn’t have to pay you to be good you should be good all the time.
The little boy says, “OK Mom, I’ll be good for a 25 cents.” The mother says, “How many times do I have to tell you I shouldn’t have to pay you to be good. You should be good for nothing, just like your father.”

To celebrate their silver anniversary, a couple went to Niagara Falls and asked a motel clerk for a room. “We only have the honeymoon suite available,” she told them.
“My wife and I’ve been married 25 year,” the man said. “We don’t need the honeymoon suite.”
“Look, buddy,” replied the clerk. “I might rent you Yankee Stadium, but you don’t have to play baseball in it!”

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

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A man who was just married was flying to the Florida Keys for a business trip. His new bride was to accompany him the next day. When he got there he E-mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely. When he sent the E-mail he miss-typed the address. In Boston, a grieving widow, whose husband has recently passed away, receives the E-mail. She reads it, screams, and faints. Hearing her grandmother?s cry, the widow’s 18-year-old granddaughter runs into the living room to see the computer on with a message. It reads:

Dear love,
Just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can’t wait to see you.

Love,
Me.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he would like a bottle of Christian Dior for his wife?s birthday.
?A little surprise eh?? said the clerk.
?You bet,? replied the man. ?She is expecting a cruise.?

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
“We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays.”