Hot ‘n Funny Jokes & Videos

A man committed murder. To fight his case he was advised to hire a good lawyer. He checked one who asked for $100. He thought this one is not good enough. The next one wanted $500. The next $5000. He found a real expensive one who wanted $10,0000.So the accused hired him. Ultimately he lost the case and was sentenced to death. As he was being taken to the death chamber, the first lawyer met him on the way and said ” I would have got you this result for $100 only”!

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A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, “Here you go” and goes to leave when the forester says “Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”

St. Peter says: “Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.”

A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asks the doctor.
The attorney replies, “Sure ? as soon as the police leave.”

Q. Why don’t snakes bite lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy!

Gatiep grew up in Tafelsig, Mitchell’s Plain, an average suburb of Cape
Town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to
come back to Mitchell?s Plain, because he could be a big man in Tafelsig.
He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new
Law office. The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to
make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came
to the door Gatiep picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, while talking. “No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t
settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed
to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument
and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the
State Prosecutor that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while
The man sat patiently as Gatiep rattled instructions. Finally, Gatiep put down the phone and turned to the man. “I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What
can I do for you?” The man replied, “I’m from Telkom, I’ve come to connect your telephone line”.

An old, stingy lawyer was dying and was determined to prove wrong the old saying; “You can’t take it with you.” He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven. One day the old ambulance chaser died. When his wife was up cleaning in the attic one day, she came across the forgotten pillowcases. She then said to herself, ?That old fool. I knew he should have had me put them in the basement!”

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A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. “I am going to die tonight,” and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me.” The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, ” I can’t hide what I’ve done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted.”
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed ?I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing.”
Ten the lawyer said plainly ?You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!”

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, “We’ve been waiting a long time for you.”
“What do you mean,” he replied. “I’m only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?”
“45? You’re not 45, you’re 82,” replied the angel.
“Wait a minute. If you think I’m 82 then you have the wrong guy. I’m only 45. I can show you my birth certificate.”
“Hold on. Let me go check,” said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. “Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82…”

A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney,
“If I give you $300 per hour to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?” The attorney replies “Sure, what’s the other question?”

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”