Hot ‘n Funny Jokes & Videos

After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town.
?Look,? the crook said, ?I?ve got nearly a million in cash in my bank box.
Can you get me off??
The lawyer said, ?Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with that kind of money.?
And sure enough, he did not. He went to prison flat broke.

A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book. Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue. Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention.
St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned.
“You are a lawyer aren’t you?’
“Yes” the lawyer replies. “Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?”
“Oh, no, “Said St Peter. “It’s just you are the first one to ever get here.”

Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said “Eve was created from Adam’s rib - a surgical procedure.” The engineer replied: “before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job.” The politician said, “Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?”

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A very well dressed and dignified lawyer called a plumber to fix his flooded bathroom. When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of overalls and took off his cap with the words ?Blue Collar Man? on the brim. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed lawyer smirked in a condescending way and said: “Interesting cap! And do you usually need a change of OVERALLS?”

The plumber just smiled. When he was done the plumber gave him the bill, and told him he had to get some more equipment from his truck. He explained that he needed a new assistant because of all the work and was short-handed. He asked the lawyer if he knew of any friends who might want the job.

The lawyer raised his eyebrows and pointed at his suit, his shoes and his office: “Now, do I LOOK like someone who would have a plumber for a friend?”

“You’re right. A high class white-collar guy like you would never know plumbers.” said the plumber apologetically.

“Exactly! After all, I have high standards!” sneered the upper-crust lawyer, as he checked his shoes to make sure the shine was still perfect and carefully tightened the knot of his tie.

When the plumber returned, he entered the lawyer’s office and there in the garbage can were the lawyer’s brand new mirror-polished $700 Brooks Brothers capote business shoes, with the black silk socks rolled up and tucked neatly inside.

On the floor was the hand-tailored $2,000 Armani pinstriped business suit the lawyer had been wearing, with attached paisley suspenders, as well as the natty Hermes silk tie and the matching pocket square, monogrammed gold cufflinks, starched white shirt, silver tiepin and Rolex. His law degree and briefcase were also piled up next to them.

The plumber went in and the first there was the lawyer in overalls, lying under the sink with his bare feet sticking out. The plumber tapped on the soles of the lawyer’s feet. The lawyer looked out, with the ?Blue Collar Man? cap on top of his hundred-dollar haircut and sweat streaming down his face. He pointed at the bill and said, “You found your assistant”.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?” St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

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An attorney, anxious to impress the judge with the detail, asked the following line of questions of a doctor who had recently performed an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A lawyer?s son was about to enter college. He asked his son “Now how did it get into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?”
“Well dad,” answered the son, “did you ever hear anybody in a crowd gathered around a heart-attack victim shout out frantically, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?’”

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I’m going into retrieve it.”?
The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”?
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything!?
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule.”?
The lawyer asked, “What is the NC three-Kick Rule?”?
The Farmer replied. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”?
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.?
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.?
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it’s my turn.”?
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”?

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How many you can afford!

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer ? you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake ? he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

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