Hot ‘n Funny Jokes & Videos

A man was speeding down the highway and a cop pulled him over and gave him a ticket after staring at it he asked, “WHEN’S THE RAFFLE?”

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Customer: Waiter, Waiter, ?what?s this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: ?Looks like the backstroke sir?

A brilliant magician was performing on an ocean liner. But every time he did a trick, a talking cat in the audience would scream, “It’s a trick. It’s not magic. You’re a big phony!”
Then one night during a storm, the ship sank while the magician was performing. And who should end up in the same lifeboat together, all alone, but the talking cat and the magician! For three days, they glared at each other, neither one saying a word to the other. Finally the cat sighed and said, “All right, smart-aleck. You and your darn tricks. What did you do with the ship?”

One evening as she was preparing dinner her 8-year-old son came down to the kitchen and he was crying hysterically. The loving mother bent down and said, “Honey what’s wrong?” He said, “Mom, I just cleaned my room!” And she said, “Well, I’m very proud of you” “Why on earth would that make you cry?”
The eight year old looked up through his tears and said, “Because I still can’t find my pet snake!”

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He’s Dead
Brother 1: He’s Dead! What do you mean He’s Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn’t you think of a nicer way to tell me! I’m leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we’re having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I’m sorry…you’re right…that was insensitive I won’t let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She’s up on the roof and we’re having trouble getting her down.

The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient: ?Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS”.
The patient?s wife asks, “Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?”
Doctor: “These are to be taken by you. He needs rest”

When his teenage son asked to borrow twenty dollar, the man said, ?Son, don?t you realize that there are more important things in life than money??
?Yes, sir,? the youth replied, ?I do. But you need money to take them to the movies.?

Child: Mom! Can I have a piece of your gum (Certs), please?
Mom: Sweetie. This is a breath freshener gum. It might be too strong for you.
Child: No it won’t, Mom. See (while flexing his arm muscles), I have big muscles.

A schoolteacher’s son brought his report card home. The father said; let’s see what you have accomplished. He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades. What do you have to say about this Johnny? Well dad at lease you know I’m not cheating.

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A small boy came running downstairs, shouting, ?Mom! Mom! I cleaned my room without being told!?
?Well,? said the mother, ?that’s wonderful! Thank you very much. It will same me a lot of trouble, and it shows you are growing up.?
?Yeah, but, Mom,? said the boy, ?don?t jump to conclusions.?
I don?t understand, dear,? said his mother. ?Conclusions??
?Yeah, Mom? said the boy. ?This isn?t going to become a habit.?