Hot ‘n Funny Jokes & Videos

A little old lady came home from shopping and found a robber in her kitchen.
Scared and not knowing what to do, she raised her hand and quoted the Scripture “Acts 2:38.” The robber froze in his tracks, so she called the police. When the policeman came, he saw this robber standing perfectly still and wondered what the lady had done. He asked her, and she replied, “I just quoted some Scripture.” The policeman turned to the robber and said, “Why did that Scripture make you act this way?” The robber replied, “Scripture, what Scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38s.”

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic “When I die I’ll get it on my way up.” chuckled the old man. Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. “I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!” said the old woman.

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Three sisters ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night, the 96 year old starts a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. “Was I getting in or out of the bath??”
The 94 year old yells back, “I don?t know, but I’ll come up and see!” She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down??”
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells to her sisters, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door!”

The frontier preacher was giving the traditional sermon on sin. “We should take all the whiskey and dump it in the river!” Back in the back of the church, a little old lady with a bonnet on stood up and shouted, “Amen, Amen!” and sat back down. The preacher smiled and continued, “And we should take all the sinful lust and dump it in the river!” The little old lady jumped up and shouted, “Amen, Amen, Amen!? then sat back down. The preacher excitedly hollered, “And we should take all of the snuff in this world and dump it in the river!” And the little old lady stood up and said, “Now you’ve stopped preaching and started meddling?!”

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An old couple is sitting in their living room when the old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?” The old man grabs the old woman’s hand. Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?” The old man puts his arm around the old woman. Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to nibble on my ear?” To the old woman’s surprise, the old man gets up off the couch and starts to walk away. “Honey, where are
you going?” she says. The old man replies, “I’m going to get my dentures.”

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, ?What?s wrong?? The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, ?I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She?s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.?
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, ?But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying??
The old man looks at the bartender and says, ?I can?t remember where I live!?

An elderly couple, Marty and Helen, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant. While looking at the menu, Helen noticed her husband looking at the vegetarian section of the menu. ?What would you like Marty?? she asked. ?I?m looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish.? He replied. ?Marty, you like meat and potatoes. You won?t like that dish.? Helen said. ?What do you know,? answered Marty, ?I?m getting it.? ?Marty, I?m telling? you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won?t like it!? Helen exclaimed. ?I?m getting it and that is the last word!? says Marty.
A short while later the meals arrive at the table. Marty looks down and his dish and says to Helen, ?Where are my eggs??

An elderly man who denies he is being forgetful was asked by his wife to get a cup of coffee at midnight. “Oh sure my dear, and what else?” “That’s it honey, the last time you got me a coffee, you forgot to put sugar and cream,” the old wife remarked. “That’s not true, for as long as I can remember, I do not forget anything,? boasts the grandpa. “OK sweetheart, in that case, please get me some cookies too,” was the sweet reply of grandma. “As you wish my dear,” says the hubby, then he adds, “by the way, how do I go to the kitchen?”

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A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.
She said they still didn?t fit. ?Well,? said the dentist ?I?ll do it again this time, but no more. There?s no reason why these shouldn?t fit your mouth easily.?
?Who said anything about my mouth?? he woman answered.
?They don?t fit in the glass!?